I Had A Feeling Something Was Wrong After My Baby Was Born. I Was Right.

I brought home my bundle of joy and after one weekend, reality came crashing in. At 2:36 a.m. on Sunday morning, I told my husband, “I don’t know if I can do this.” But what I really meant was, “I don’t want to do this.”

In June 2016, a little before my 35th birthday, I gave birth to a five week premature little girl who we named Isabelle. The build up to that day was marked by a whole lot of excitement and anticipation – and five months of vomitting. After witnessing friend after friend mooning over their precious miracles, finally I would get to experience it for myself. I would have my own beloved miracle, a creation that would elicit feelings so profound that they would overwhelm me.

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  1. Teena Philip

    Thank you for being so brutally honest. I am relieved to know I wasn’t the only new mother who felt some of the things you ve written about. Much love!

  2. Chantal

    Fantastic article, I didn’t suffer like you did (My heart goes out to you), however was definitely border line with some pretty dark thoughts. I remember one day with the hot Durban sun beating outside, with a child screaming as she constantly did, the resentment got so overwhelming I yelled in her face and then immediately the crushing guilt followed. I recognise now that I could definitely go down a very dark path. Going back to work when she was 4 months old saved me, the time apart during the day and the normality of doing my job seemed to kick me out of that feeling. She is now 7 and a half months old and my love for her grows every day, that said, I still don’t think I would like to be at home with her all day every day, and that still makes me feel guilty….

    1. theuglytruthofbeingamom

      Going back to work also “worked” for me. And you shouldn’t feel guilty, mom’s are allowed live their own lives outside of their children. Also if working makes you happy and fulfilled then surely that will make you a better mom when you are with your daughter? I am no guru but I do think every mom is different and every child is different and you can only do what works best for you and your kid…

  3. Chantal Voget

    Thanks, and you are right, being able to be me for those 8 hours a day makes the world of difference in the time I spend with my girl in the evenings and weekends.

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